To the beautiful rhythm of old music, I danced as if I was a teenager in love. It was the new years’ eve & I had a set plan to simply laze around at home in my new PJs. The clock struck 10 at night & I stepped out in my balcony to watch the outside world go gaga about the year coming to an end. I wondered how could people be so much into all the jazz; I feel it weird to even think about celebrating my birthday. Maybe it’s just the 26th taking over. Or maybe it was just pretty much me to be by myself with books & music & a little breath. I sat down on my velvety mattress & took out my diary to see if I could pen down a few words about this cycle of the ends and beginnings.
As I flipped through the pages, an endearing sound wowed me. It was my favorite song playing in my cute SAREGAMA instrument – “Maine tere liye hi saat rang k…..” & for a moment, I wished I had someone to tap a toe with. Anyhoo.. I came across some old writings that I’d probably written few years back, & I realized I had left these pages untouched for quite a while now. Grinning up on the nostalgic feeling, I recollected every word & revisited every story I once lived. I knew these were the letters I’d written to a person I claimed to be mine. Each letter had a different version of love. If one spelled anger, the other giggled with care. If one revealed some secrets, the other did a little romantic dance. I read & read & read until I reached a hidden note that said, “You’re my little something that I’ll always miss, no matter how happy or sad I am.”
I immediately shut the book, & hid it behind the little closet so it wouldn’t be easily accessible. It was easier to deal with emotions when eyes don’t stumble upon the memories over & over again.
I went to the kitchen, made me a cup of delciously tempting hot chocolate & ran to the sofa with the idea of spending the rest of evening with a fun Bollywood movie. And hey… What’s better than watching Govinda when everything around you makes you go blah!? It’s strange that you have the most fun when you don’t have to use a lot of your brain & heart. It’s just that time when you’re you. It was 11:45pm & I stepped out to the balcony again to see if the excited champs were still in their senses. It was all loud & messy outside, but so was my inner self. I decided to lay down in there & there & welcome the new year, sending a wink at the stars dancing in the sky. As the clock was nearing to scream 12:00, there was a weird anxiety that took over in absolutely no time, & I wasn’t surprised at all because this was me – cheery, happy loner, sad, anxious, bubbly, scared, matured, childlike, depressed, jovial yet aloof. I did nothing about my current state of mind & let it pass, staring at the sky. I knew it was few seconds to 2019 when I could hear the countdown.. 10..9..
I smiled at myself thinking – Am I the only one who has no one to celebrate this eve with? Just then I heard my bell ring, & it left me in the state of surprise. Happy, but confused, I ran to the door, & opened it to find a goofy face screaming HAPPY NEW YEAR, my sweetest nothing. Yes! It was my best friend & she’d popper in like the cutest miracle of new year & trust me, I couldn’t have been happier. “What’re you doing here?” “I thought you were not coming?”, I asked her, even though I didn’t care enough to listen to the answer. I was just happy to have her with me. She gave me a hug, so tight, that I almost died, & said – “I knew you were doing nothing, & I had plans, but I thought it would be fun to do nothing with you instead of doing the silly somethings with someone else.” And I could only say – “Whatever!” & felt like going all gaga about the fact that she was here.
Sometimes, it’s not the age that stops you, but that someone that you need for every little something happening around you. Love has a weird way of existing. It stays in different versions with everyone, if only we had the time to see it. We often pressurize love to be romantic, but we forget to see the different kinds of romance in every relation we build. Don’t make someone your little something & let them take it away when they leave. Instead, what I suggest is make a little something out of every bond you have with everyone & then you’ll never lose those tiny bits of your love. In the search of my little something, I found my sweet nothing.